Self-Compassion for Men | Understanding Emotional Well-Being & Inner Growth
Self-Compassion for Men
By Durwin Foster, M.A., RCC, CCC
Certified Integral Therapist
What is Self-Compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff, perhaps the leading psychologist of self-compassion, defines self-compassion as follows:
“Self-compassion is simply the process of turning compassion inward. We are kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes or feel inadequate. We give ourselves support and encouragement rather than being cold and judgmental when challenges and difficulty arise in our lives.”
With this basic definition in mind, this article provides guidelines on how we, as self-identified men, can practice being more self-compassionate.
Self-Compassion for Self-Identified Men
In developing and communicating practices of self-compassion, Dr. Neff identified five main myths that can act as barriers to taking up the practice. Overcoming these myths clears the way to being more self-compassionate.
The five myths that Dr. Neff encountered are as follows:
- Self-compassion is a form of self-pity
- Self-compassion means becoming weak
- Self-compassion will make me complacent
- Self-compassion is narcissistic
- Self-compassion is selfish
For many self-identified men, those of us with residues of “traditional male socialization” residing in our psyches, fears around becoming weak or becoming complacent especially need to be addressed.
The evidence doesn’t support the fear that self-compassion will lead to weakness. On the contrary, self-compassion was correlated with better psychological adjustment to divorce, both at the time of the divorce as well as 9 months later.
And regarding the fear of complacency, another fear common to action-oriented males, research is showing that self-compassion actually increases motivation to take responsibility for harmful past behaviours. For example, a study showed that people who engaged in a self-compassionate activity like writing to themselves from the perspective of a supportive friend, were more likely than those in two different control groups, to apologise for their behaviour and make a commitment to change.
So How Do I Do This?
Having established that increasing self-compassion is a worthwhile goal to pursue, the next question is naturally:
“How do I actually do this? What practices can I engage with that will increase my self-compassion?”
Practice #1 – Turn Towards Difficult Experience
One of the ways that internal suffering is prolonged or unresolved is that we tend to avoid difficult emotions, sensations and thoughts, including distressing mental imagery.
Unfortunately, when we resist difficult internal experience by turning away from it, we aren’t able to do anything about it. As is sometimes said:
“What we resist, persists.”
Overcoming this tendency of avoidance is the first step towards self-compassion.
The word mindfulness can have a few different meanings, but in the context of self-compassion, it means that we turn our attention towards our internal experience, bringing our full attention to it.
What exactly are the verbal thoughts, feelings, sensations and mental images happening in your mind right now?
Try taking a moment to stop reading this article, and turn your attention within to feel what you feel, hear what you are saying to yourself, and to see what movie might be playing on the internal “screen” of your mind.
Practice #2 – Inquire Into Needs
This second practice is a kind of orienting question, an inquiry that we can make whenever we are feeling a distressing emotion.
Our emotions are information about the impact of a situation upon us, and yet so often we can judge ourselves for having uncomfortable feelings.
Having become aware through mindfulness of what is happening, we then move in the opposite direction of self-criticism by inquiring:
“What is this feeling telling me that I need?”
Very often we have grown up in contexts where needs weren’t reliably attended to, and so providing a map of needs is useful.
Here’s one map that I often use with clients because it reflects the needs that are most important from very early in life, what are called our “attachment” needs.
Primary attachment needs we all have as infants and toddlers are as follows:
- Felt sense of safety at the physical level
- Attunement — we need to feel seen, known and understood at the emotional level
- Feeling comforted, soothed and reassured– we can’t regulate our own distress as young children so we need our caregivers to help us feel better when we are upset
- Feeling valued– we need our parents to like having us around
- Felt support for our best selves — we need to be supported in our strengths and interests so that we have the confidence to “go for it,” to explore the world and broaden our horizons in life
With this map in mind, try asking yourself:
“What do I need right now?”
See what emerges as an answer. Write it down, or simply take action on what comes up for you.
Practice #3 – Loving-Kindness Meditation
For this third practice of loving-kindness or self-compassion meditation, we repeat a set of phrases over and over again for at least five to ten minutes, in which the phrases amount to prayers that our needs be met.
These phrases are another way to orient us to the natural motivation we all have to meet our needs.
Although there are variations, the traditional phrases of loving-kindness are as follows:
- May I be safe from harm
- May I be happy and peaceful
- May I be healthy and strong
- May I care for myself with ease and joy
The practice might seem a little mechanical at first, but based on my experience, you will eventually begin to feel a genuine sense of self-love, as you learn to be your own best friend.
This practice is especially important to do when you notice that the inner critic is active, or when you notice that you are feeling shame without having done anything wrong.
Men in particular tend to be vulnerable to the emotion of shame in relationships with women.
Women are able to give birth to other humans; in this context, we men can feel inadequate and so self-compassion is an especially important practice for men to be happy and healthy within intimate relationships.
