Why Bullies Act Like Victims, And What It Really Means

Ever wondered why bullies often seem to act like victims? At first glance, it might look like manipulation…someone refusing responsibility, blaming others, and positioning themselves as the wronged party. 

But when we dig a little deeper, we can start to understand what drives this behavior. 

The Trigger Behind the Bullying

At the heart of bullying behavior is often a triggered emotional state. When someone bullies another person, it’s usually because something inside them has been stirred up, something that’s painful, stressful, or overwhelming. 

This triggers the body’s fight-or-flight response. While this response is meant to protect us in dangerous situations, our bodies can’t always distinguish between physical threats and emotional ones.

When someone is triggered, their body prioritizes survival. The higher reasoning part of the brain that’s responsible for empathy, insight, and calm problem-solving, temporarily shuts down. Even intuition, that gut sense of what’s right or wrong, gets muted. Pain receptors are dulled so the person can “fight” without being distracted by discomfort. 

In essence, the bully’s mind and body are on high alert, ready to defend themselves at any cost. Claiming to be the victim becomes a way of justifying their actions, even if it doesn’t hold up logically.

Why Bullies Position Themselves as Victims

In this heightened defensive state of fight-or-flight, it’s common for the person to see themselves as the victim. Why? Because admitting wrongdoing or taking responsibility would require vulnerability, a state they can’t easily access when their body is in fight or flight mode. 

To protect themselves, bullies externalize blame: Everyone else is at fault…the target, the system, society, or circumstances.

It’s not courage that drives the behavior, it’s fear in disguise. To protect their fragile inner self, bullies project outward, rewriting the story so they appear to be the ones wronged. 

In their mind, it is safer to accuse than to feel. It’s a survival strategy rooted in the body and mind’s response to perceived threats.

(Youtube Video – Why do Bullies Act Like Victims?)

The Cycle of Past Trauma and Shame

Many bullies have a history that contributes to this behavior. Some were bullied themselves as children, while others grew up in environments where they felt powerless. Trauma from these experiences makes them more sensitive and reactive in adulthood. Unfortunately, rather than acknowledging this sensitivity, which can feel shameful, they often mask it with aggression, control, or blame. 

When someone feels out of control in their own life, bullying becomes a way to regain power.

 “It’s all their fault. None of it is mine.” 

At its core, this behavior stems from the desperate need to feel safe and in control.

Shame is one of the most difficult emotions to sit with, and is a powerful driver in bullying.  People who bully may feel deep shame about their own vulnerabilities or past experiences, but instead of confronting those feelings, they project them onto others. By putting someone else down, they momentarily feel more secure, and less exposed.

It’s important to note that this doesn’t justify bullying. No one deserves to be hurt or intimidated. But understanding the origins of the behavior can help us approach it with a mix of compassion and clarity. 

Breaking the Cycle

When someone learns to process their triggers rather than act on them, they move from a reactive, victim-based mindset to a place of accountability and self-awareness. They stop lashing out and begin connecting more authentically with others.

The first step is for the individual to face their own sensitivity and trauma rather than hiding behind blame. 

This isn’t easy; it often involves confronting painful memories, taking responsibility for past behavior, sitting with uncomfortable emotions, learning to regulate the body’s stress responses, and reconnecting with empathy and responsibility. 

For many, this isn’t a journey they can walk alone. Group support, counseling, or anger management programs can provide the guidance and safety needed to finally break the cycle.

A Path Toward Change

Bullies act like victims because they are often trapped in old survival strategies. The good news is that change is possible. 

If you or someone you care about struggles with bullying, either as the target or as the person acting out, it’s never too late to seek help. 

At Moose Anger Management and Healing Anger (for Women), we work with individuals to identify the underlying causes of aggressive behavior, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and create sustainable change. By learning to face sensitivity, manage triggers, and take responsibility, people can move away from the victim-bully cycle and toward more balanced, compassionate interactions.

Take the first step today:

• Call us for a confidential consultation
• Join our supportive group sessions for men or group sessions for women
• Access our specialized one-on-one counseling

 

Contact Moose Anger Management at 604-723-5134 or email us for more info@angerman.ca.